the end of paralysis
by gamorage
Summary: You're dead, now. But not really. (coda to 2x08; part 1 of "the sun will rise and we will try again")


AUTHOR'S NOTE:

i posted this originally on ao3 like a day after the episode aired but now i'm reposting it bc i realized how fuckin good it was like damn

anyways basically when finn dies he ends up in what is basically my take on purgatory, which is just the place people go after death.

it's a sort of weird place because while the dead people can essentially live on as they did before with the people they lived with before (think the in between place from the lovely bones), they can also warp time in a way that they can watch themselves in a memory. sometimes, someone from the Actual World will come to this purgatory in their sleep, maybe to talk to a dead loved one or something and think it's a dream the next morning. i like to think of it as a dream universe.

title taken from poison oak by bright eyes

* * *

You die, and your head drops heavily down, forehead resting on her shoulder. Your last breath smells of Clarke and you smile faintly. She's still holding you when everything goes dark.

You die, and suddenly you're horizontal instead of vertical and you can't feel the warmth of Clarke's arms holding onto your shoulders. You think, for a second, that Clarke must've messed up, and now you're going to die the deaths of those you killed. But you can't feel your heart beating in your chest.

You die, you realize, as you try to assess the situation, and you can still think and breathe and hear and feel everything around you. When you open your eyes, you realize you're lying down on the dirt. And when you sit up, you're seeing your own body, bloody and limp where it's tied to the wooden pole, and you're hearing Raven screaming and the Grounders cheering, and you're feeling the change Clarke settle deep, deep in your bones.

You're dead, now. But not really.

You figure out, as you're watching your friends, that you're not in the same place that they are. It's like there's a screen separating your world and theirs. And you're not sure how you feel about it.

You think this place probably isn't Heaven because you know for a fact that nobody would let you within a mile of even the Pearly Gates or however that old Earth phrase went. Maybe you're in Hell. Who knows? After all, you did massacre an entire village of Grounders. But you'd figured, before dying, that Hell would be more of a fiery pit of hatred and chaos as a punishment for your sins. Then again. Hell is different for everyone.

You're discovering little by little, day by day that this place is sort of impossible. You can see and hear and smell and touch just about everything in the Land of the Living, and you can see Clarke and Raven and Bellamy and Octavia and all of your friends grieve for you, but they can't see you. While following them around, you have talked and sung and thrown things at them but they just. Don't. Hear you. It's easily the most frustrating thing you've ever experienced.

Time is different here. The days pass normally in the Land of the Living, time moves as slowly as it always has, but where you are, it's not the same. It's like time doesn't exist here. Like nothing ever was or will be. Everything just is.

The first time you Travel Back, it's an accident.

You've been watching Clarke for two or three Living days and all you can think of is how it was before. You remember the second or third day after you fell from space, when you and Clarke and Wells went out to get seaweed for Jasper's wound. You remember the automobile and the whiskey and Clarke getting angry at her best friend and you remember the realization you'd felt when Wells just took the anger and aggression she gave him and didn't answer when she asked him why. You sit down next to her and close your eyes.

You don't realize that you've even moved at all until you hear the voices.

...what do you want me to say?

I want an explanation.

I can't give you one. I thought I could trust him.

You open your eyes, because Clarke is alone, isn't she? But you aren't sitting by the dropship anymore- you're in an empty corner of the dark automobile, and you're seeing Clarke and Wells and yourself when you took shelter from the acid fog. Clarke is tipsy and angry and holding onto the bottle of whiskey so tightly and Wells is looking at her with sad, sad eyes, and AliveFinn looks so uncomfortable that you'd probably laugh if you weren't so confused.

Well, I thought I could trust my best friend. Guess we were both wrong.

I'm still your friend.

You glance at your younger self, and he's looking between Clarke and Wells, putting the pieces together. You look at Clarke and she just looks so sad and you think about how sad she's going to be when Wells dies and you close your eyes again.

When you open your eyes again you've moved again. Clarke is alone at the gravesite. There are only four, three of which Wells had dug. You remember watching him do it- after finishing each one, he would stop, put his hand on the dirt, whispering the parting words you now know too well.

In peace, may you leave the shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again.

Clarke isn't crying. There is steel in her eyes and her jaw is clenched but she isn't crying. Out of the corner of your eye, you see AliveFinn turning the corner and Clarke is drawing her knife. You remember this moment.

They got Wells just outside the wall, you hear yourself say.

And so you sit there, watching the exchange. You remember everything so clearly.

"Finn?"

It's a deep, familiar voice. You remember it from somewhere, but it doesn't fit into this memory. You frown.

"Finn."

It's louder, closer. You whirl around and suddenly you are face to face with Wells fucking Jaha, Chancellor of Earth. He reaches out to you, grabs your forearm. And suddenly you're nowhere.

"I call it Elsewhere," Wells says, later. You've moved past the initial holyshithowareyouhere stuff, and you're watching a meteor shower that happened sometime after you came to Earth. "Though I've heard some people call it the In-Between or Purgatory or even Hell. It all depends on how it treats you after you've died."

You glance at him. He looks happy- much more so than he ever had in the time that you knew him.

"And how'd it treat you?" You ask.

He turns to look at you with an unreadable look on his face, saying nothing. He turns away. Then, "You know, people can come here in their dreams. Alive people, I mean."

You frown, but don't mention the sudden change of topic. "Really?"

"Yeah. They come in hallucinations, too. Whenever someone hallucinates or dreams of a dead loved one, they come here. Whether it's good or bad really depends on who's coming to visit."

"So who's come to visit you?" You ask.

"My dad, mostly. When he was alone on the Ark, he had a lot of hallucinations involving me. Clarke comes sometimes, when she needs to make a serious decision, or just needs someone to talk to. That's how I knew about what happened to you." Wells looks at you again. "The only way to deal with it is to act as you would normally. Talk to them. Help them move on. It's all you can do."

There's a comfortable silence.

"Sorry, by the way," you tell him suddenly. "That you're dead."

Wells laughs. "Likewise, Spacewalker. Likewise."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hey pls give me feedback this thing is like my secondborn child pls love it as much as i do


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